I saw this post on Facebook and it was also on a yahoogroup I read today. But, despite that, no one had the correct link to the original post. So I am just going to have to say it came from another blog called welcometomybrain and hope that that is enough credit for the original author.
Thought it was definitely worth saving for a future re-read and/or to pass on to others.
letter-to-grandparents-of-children-with-RAD
My husband and I traveled to Ethiopia to assist with bringing home our two
adopted granddaughters. I am not sure how it happened, but of all the
orphans in Ethiopia, we got the two most beautiful. Really.
I am writing this letter because I wish someone had told me these things
before I started “life in the RADish Patch.” That’s what my daughter calls
living with children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder and PTSD as a
result of the trauma they suffered before they were adopted.
I am not an authority on this subject. I am just a grandma (called Honey)
who wants to be the best Honey she can be to all of her grandchildren. Here
are a few things I have learned about grandparenting in the RADish Patch.
Maybe it will be of help to you……
Do not follow T-Shirt psychology. You know those cute T’s that say, “If Mom
says NO, ask Grandma!” This is the kiss of death if you want to be a good
grandparent to your RADish. RADishes are experts at playing others against
Mom. If they can get you to overrule Mom, they have added one more thing to
their list of all the reasons Mom cannot be trusted. A RADish’s Mom must
always be in charge….not Grandma.
Do not act on the advice of bumper stickers….you know, the ones that read,
“Let me tell you about my grandchildren!” Just because your daughter gets
up the courage to share her RAD adventures with you does not mean that you
should divulge them to the Ladies Club, the Flower Club, at prayer meeting,
or to your hairdresser. BE CAREFUL. Just because she tells you about the
feces smearing incident does not mean that you can share that with Aunt
Kate. If your daughter wants to tell cousin Susie about her child’s night terrors
that is her place, not yours. My motto: SAY LESS, PRAY MORE.
Extended family dinners are not just a holiday. They are critical
opportunities for RADishes to learn. Food holds many, many triggers for
these kids. Never forget, the MOM rules the table, not the grandparent. Let
Mom take the lead on what goes on the child’s plate, whether or not they
have to eat it, whether or not dessert is offered, and what table manners
are used / excused. Even if you never let your daughter put her elbows on
your white starched tablecloth, it is not your place to critique the eating
habits of a RADish. Get over it – or you may be eating Thanksgiving dinner
alone.
Number three (above) applies to eating out as well. AND to other public
places. Often, RADishes get nervous in new places and situations. If their
actions make you uncomfortable, you better get a tougher hide. If you come
across as embarrassed or disapproving, they will surely use their behavior
again and again. Follow Mom’s lead about how to deal with the tantrum or
whatever is going on. Toughen up.
Do not assume that you know what is best for your grandRADish. Even though
you raised half-dozen kids of your own. Every child is different and every
RADish is different. Spend time talking with your daughter about your
grandRADs to find out what kind of play is fun for them? What activities
are threatening? What calms them down? Are they allowed to use scissors or
knives? If Mom says “no sharp objects” you don’t have to know all the
details. Shut up and follow Mom’s instructions.
This is a hard one, but very important – DON’T SAY STUPID THINGS!
A few examples:
- Every child threatens to run away.
- You need to discipline more…she would not behave that way if you did.
- She is much too old to act like that.
- You mean you hold a seven year old like a baby and give her a bottle? Are
you crazy?
- It’s just nightmares. Don’t get so worked up.
- That is a ridiculous form of punishment for a child.
- Pets are good for kids. We got her a puppy. And a kitten.
When you realize that you have said a stupid thing, APOLOGIZE. We are all
learning.
Don’t get your feelings hurt if Mom does not allow your grandRADish to
spend the night with you. Trust me, Mom would love a break, but this little
person’s life has to be kept simple and stable until she can handle the new
experience. Mom knows best.
Most parents of RADishes find themselves in financial turmoil. Whether from
therapy bills, medication bills, one parent staying home, or any of the
million other things that happen to young families. Be sensitive to this.
Last Christmas I gave my daughter the registration fee to a conference for
Moms like her. Toys should be purchased that can do double duty as therapy
tools (like doll houses for role playing).
Finally, educate yourself about children with RAD and PTSD. Read books by
experts, but most important, read blogs like this one so you can begin to
understand the challenges your daughter faces as the Mom of a RAD child.
I love my grandRADishes just like my other grandchildren. But, I have to
deal with them differently. In doing so, I can be an important part of
their
lives.
The Mom of a RAD child pours her physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual
energy into the heart and soul of their child every moment of every day and
night. The child’s past trauma has rendered them incapable of giving any
energy back – at least for now. Your daughter needs you more than ever to
“fill up” her depleted energy stores.
SHARE THE HEARTACHE * BE AN ENCOURAGER * REJOICE IN THE PROGRESS * LOVE
YOUR CHILD AND HER CHILD UNCONDITIONALLY * DO NOT JUDGE YOUR CHILD’S PARENTING OR HER CHILD’S BEHAVIOR
One day, your daughter will call you and say, “Mom, we had a breakthrough
today! Your granddaughter hugged me and I think she meant it!” It will be a
great moment – worth celebrating!
May God bless your experiences in the RADish patch!
And I have nothing to add to that!
Amy
